because life sucks,
by DramaDelicacy
Summary: and all we can do is endure. sakura-centric.


"Why are you doing this?"

"Because life sucks, and all we can do is endure."

/ **this is where it ends**

After the war, and after bloody fights and fixed arms, the world moved on. Uchiha Sasuke, the international criminal, was pardoned (after Uzumaki Naruto, now a hero and inspiration to many, pleaded for many days for the life of his best friend – his brother, for the sake of an unbroken bond) and he was let off with two years of probation. Hatake Kakashi was next in line of consideration for Hokage, and it wasn't going to be long before Tsunade stepped down. The war took a toll on her health, and despite what many said and despite her excellent medical _ninjutsu_, she suffered greatly from it.

With Uchiha Sasuke pardoned, both Naruto and Kakashi worked hard to get Team 7 rebuilt again, now to also include Sai. Haruno Sakura, on the other hand, kept herself busy.

The hospital was full every single day with war patients hanging to the thread of life. She was now considered the best medic Konoha had, and she made sure to not let that reputation falter. She worked day and night, for days – weeks, months. She worked hard to forget, she worked hard so she could perfectly fake a smile when her team came to visit, with Sasuke next to a smiling Naruto, a vulgar Sai and a proud Kakashi.

Sasuke, who never once apologized to her for striking her heart. Even though it was a _genjutsu_, it affected her mentally, and she could never see him the same way again. Something, she knew, she should've realized a long time ago when he tried to kill her. But she smiled her best loving smile when she saw him, because that's what she was supposed to do (and be). Someone who will continue to love Sasuke, someone who will forgive all and everything he did, and someone who will selflessly wait for him to love her back.

She knew, a week later, that this was not meant to be. When she walked to the hospital, after only two hours of sleep, and she saw Sasuke with an unknown girl. She was confused, at first, and hurt (_why, why do I still hurt?_) but she realized that she was not going to be his girl. And even though it hurt, and she cried while changing into her medical uniform in her office, she realized this was for the best.

She was never meant to be, and she was okay with it.

(_Are you, though?_)

This was three months after the end of the war, and Sasuke still hadn't apologized.

"A _ninja_ is one who endures."

"Yes, but –"

/ **and this is when time stops**

A month later, Sakura ran out of patients to treat. The rebuilding of Konoha was going extremely well, and Tsunade finally retired. She stayed, though, because she was too much of an asset to Konoha for them to let her have a peaceful countryside retirement. So they kept her, and she stayed. And Sakura couldn't be happier, because Tsunade (and Ino) was the only thing keeping her sane lately.

Kakashi was busy, and on her days off, she visited him and she let him complain about all the work and all the politics and _why did I agree to this?_

And she laughed, gave him a pat in the back, made him tea, and said "because you're good at it." At this, he looked at her fondly, and smiled; "Thank you, Sakura."

Sometimes, and very rarely, he'd ask about Team 7. And Sakura would shrug.

"I haven't seen Naruto in a week, and Sasuke in a month. I think they're still hanging out from time to time, though, sometimes Sai checks in with me. As for Yamato-_taichou_, I'm sure you know how busy he is now that he's an _Anbu_ again."

"Are you okay?" he'd say, concern clear in his eyes. She'd look at him, and smile her best.

"I'm okay. I'd hang out with them more, but the hospital keeps me busy. Plus, Tsunade -_sama_ is going to promote me to Chief of Staff at the hospital so I'll only get busier."

"Congratulations! Just keep yourself healthy, you're getting thinner."

"You too, Kakashi-_sensei_. You have bags under your eyes now," she'd joked. And they'd laugh, drink tea, and talk about work.

Even after he became Hokage, she refused to call him with another formal name, that title is one of the few things keeping her to the familiar old things before everything changed. And he was okay with that. She guessed it was because he thought the same.

Nothing was the same, but they like to pretend they were.

"It's okay. Everything is how it should be."

"Is it, though?"

/ **this, this is the outcome**

The next time Sakura saw Naruto, she was blinded by his brilliance and warmth. And for the first time in a long time, she could breathe and it almost made her cry.

But this next time she saw Naruto, she also felt a lump forming deep in her throat, and all she wanted to do is cry. Because next to her once brilliant light and support, is Hinata. No longer shy and hiding behind pillars, no… she was finally who she aspired to be and with who she wanted to be.

And Sakura was only a shadow stuck in the past and unable to move forward.

He saw her from afar and they both made way towards her.

"Sakura-chan!" he yelled happily, and even Hinata looked happy to see her and she wanted to run because she knew what they were going to tell her the moment she saw their intertwined hands.

But he was Naruto and she could never run for him once she really saw him. And saw him she did.

"Hey," she smiled. (_Do your best, don't cry)_

"So," he grinned sheepishly, and looked at his sweetheart, and Sakura could only feel her heart breaking and she knew the _good old days_ were now officially gone. "Me and Hinata are dating now!"

"Yeah, I can see that," she laughed and she gave both of them a hug. "Congratulations!"

"By the way, did you see Teme?"

"No." She answered too quickly and it made both of them frown.

"Oh, well… not sure if you know since we haven't seen you for, like, half a year now," Naruto scratched the back of his head uncomfortably and Hinata excused herself from the uncomfortable situation to go "say hi to Ten-ten". "But he's dating that girl, Himawari! Well, I call her Hima-chan."

(_Don't cry_) Because now he had given that girl a nickname as well, and Himawari is a flower bright as the sun – sure to keep Sasuke away from the shadows. And Sakura could only smile and nod because she knew and she knew it will never be her, yet it still (_hurt, but don't cry in from of him._)

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I saw them together 3 months ago," she smiled.

"Really? Then you probably witnessed when they first got together! What a crazy coincidence!" Naruto continued, unknowingly turning the blade deep in her heart. Slowly, but surely and mercilessly.

"That's pretty amazing," she continued to smile. "Well, I have a lot of things to do, so I'll see you later Naruto."

"I haven't seen you in forever though," he frowned, clearly unhappy. "Should I treat you to dinner?"

"I'm good," she said, slowly walking away. "Tell Hinata I said bye."

And she jumped away. Fast as she could, building to building, not to the hospital but to the Hokage tower. Because she realized she couldn't live this way and she didn't want to – not anymore.

She barged in the door and Kakashi looked up from his stack of paperwork in surprise.

"Sakura, this is a –"

"I need you to transfer me away from the village." She cut him off, breathing hard and sweating bullets.

"What?" he put down his pen, his eyes calculating her expression and body language. "Are you not happy here? Did Tsunade assign this?"

"No," she walked up to him in big steps. "I need you to transfer me away from the village."

"But why? And where to?" he frowned and Sakura could tell how concerned he was. "Sakura, you're the best medic we have in Konoha, you've surpassed Tsunade a long time ago, we can't afford to lose you."

"I will still…" she paused, flinching as she said the word: "_belong_ to Konoha. I will come back when I'm severely needed, but I need you to transfer me away from this place. Maybe to Suna, we have a good relationship with them and they'll definitely welcome me."

"Sakura, _everyone_ will welcome you, you're the best medic we have and possibly the best medic out of all the villages," Kakashi sighed, sounding slowly but increasingly frustrated. "But I don't understand why you want to leave this place."

"Because I can't live like this anymore," she said, her voice wavering and she cursed herself for letting a tear fall. She prayed Kakashi didn't see that but of course he did. And in one quick motion he was in front of her, frowning and very evidently, scared.

"What happened?" he said, grabbing her shoulders. She could feel his hands trembling and she looked at him and the sight of him so desperate and scared made her want to break down even more.

"I have my reasons," she said. And she raised her hand at him as she felt him opening his mouth to ask. "They're personal, and I'd appreciate it if you don't ask."

He frowned some more and she could see how deep the creases were between his brows.

"Sakura, unless you give me an official transfer request, _with _a proper reason, or a transfer order from your Medical Officer then I'm afraid my hands are tied,"

"Then that can be arranged," Sakura said, smiling with relief and Kakashi's eyes widened in horror at how happy she looked. "Tsunade-_sama_'s been looking for a volunteer to go on an exchange medical program with a senior medic in Suna, and she'd been reluctant to send me because, like you said, I'm the second best Konoha has. But with some persuasion, I can get the transfer request from her."

"Sakura, wait," his grip on her shoulders tightened. "Why are you doing this?"

"Because life sucks, and all we can do is endure."

"What –" but she was gone.

And the next time Kakashi saw her was when she handed in her transfer request and he had no other choice but to stamp _approved_ on it even though his heart screamed no.

(_Don't cry, you'll be okay._)

The next time Sakura saw Sasuke would be the second last time. It was his birthday and Naruto invited her. When she arrived, both Sasuke and _Hima-chan_ froze and everyone in the room felt an uncomfortable chill slowly crawling into the air. The chill was dispersed immediately when Sakura smiled (_that's right, do your best_) and gave him a birthday gift. It was a black t-shirt because Sakura realized a long time ago she knew nothing about Uchiha Sasuke. He thanked her, and Himawari introduced herself. The girls had a pleasant chat throughout the party, and Sakura found out she was a civilian.

It surprised her, but then again she knew nothing. And nearing the end of the party she realized she was an outsider, and it was all her fault. She kept herself busy all the time but Ino stayed close with her because Ino was the only one she talked to for the last 10 months. She noticed Ino put on extra makeup around her eyes because she knew she had been crying ever since Sakura told her she'd be leaving.

"Why are you doing this?" she had asked the same thing Kakashi asked.

"Because life sucks and all we can do is endure," Sakura smiled.

"Sakura…" Ino grabbed her hands and gave them a light squeeze before she burst into tears.

"A _ninja _is one who endures." Sakura clarified. "Naruto said that, didn't he?"

"Yes, but –"

"I love you, Ino," Sakura squeezed her hands back, and cried. Because Ino, Tsunade and her pillows were the only ones familiar with her crying face. "And I'm sorry, but I have to."

"I love you, too, Forehead. I will visit you, you know that right?" and they spent the rest of the night holding each other's hands to sleep.

After Sasuke blew out the candles and almost everyone was so drunk to the point of throwing up, she saw him leave the room to get some fresh air. She looked at Ino, who noticed it as well and she nodded at Sakura; "_Go, you need to tell him before you leave. Don't leave anymore regrets, Forehead._"

So Sakura followed and Ino stopped Himawari from following by telling her false stories of a Sasuke she never even knew.

Sasuke heard the door open, and when he saw pink, he turned his attention away – pretending to be unaffected and annoyed.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I wanted to say congratulations," she said, standing next to him in the cold dark night. The air soothed her and she almost cried at how comfortable she finally felt, even when she stood next to the man who destroyed her.

"Thanks," he said, and he turned to leave but she immediately grabbed his shoulder.

"Sasuke," the lack of suffix got his attention, for she still called him _Sasuke-kun_ in there and this was when he realized she had been faking everything. "I need… I want you to apologize."

"For what?" he turned to look at her and it surprised him, though he was careful not to show it, how angry and betrayed she looked. "If it's Hima, I have nothing to apologize for. You should never have the fantasy of –"

"For killing me."

And he froze, and he was shocked and he was confused and he was finally scared. Because he realized that she faked everything, not just in there with the party, but all the way to when she healed his arm and said _welcome back_ with such sincerity.

"Sakura…"

"You killed me. It was _genjutsu_, that I know, but you fucking killed me and when I close my eyes I could still see you killing me. Your face so devoid of emotions as if I was not worth it."

Sasuke didn't know what to say and he was, finally, aware of who Haruno Sakura was.

"You were going to get in the way," and this was the truth.

"All because I screamed words of love," she laughed bitterly. "I loved you and you returned it with a hand in my heart. I know it's a _genjutsu_, but it affected me even _now_ and I could never understand what I did wrong to deserve _that_. You were let go, your past sins forgotten with time, and _you_, out of all people, _moved on_."

"I'm sorry," he blurted out before he could stop himself because this side of Sakura genuinely _scared_ him. She was always a girl filled with genuine love, warmth, and positivity. And he created _this_; a Sakura haunted by death, and a girl who perfected the fake smile, who kept herself busy to the point of madness because she could never return to how it was.

When he looked at her, she looked as if a burden had been lifted off of her shoulders, and he saw tears falling down her brilliant green eyes. But she wiped them away before he was sure he saw them, and she nodded at him.

"Maybe next time you could say it with sincerity," she rolled her eyes. "But I'll still take that."

And she patted him on the back as she walked by him.

"This was a good day, to you," she said, and he could feel his back heating up from her touch. "Happy birthday, Sasuke."

He ignored the fact that it stung when she didn't use the suffix.

(_In one week, everything ends._)

Sakura saw Naruto for the last time a week before her departure. He was furious and crying.

She was surprised to find him in her apartment when she came home from a long shift (_another day of running and hiding, another way to stop hurting_). He was waiting for her in the dining room, the window behind him smashed.

"Naruto, what are you doing here?" she yelled, surprised and mad. "What did you do to my _window_?"

"Kakashi told me," he looked at her, his expression hard and angry.

"What?" she walked around him to clean up after his mess.

"You're leaving,"

"I am."

"Sakura-chan,"

"What?"

"Why are you leaving?"

She sighed, and she walked to the kitchen to throw away the broken glass.

"Because I have to."

"Do you hate us?"

She walked back to the dining room and sat opposite from him on the table; "I don't."

"Then why are you doing this?"

"Because I can't live here anymore. Not when the only place I can really feel at peace at is the hospital."

"Please stay," he said, his voice shaking and she bit her tongue because the state of him made her want to cry. But she could no longer live at a place where everyone moved on, finding their significant others, content. And she was all alone.

The trio that she belonged to was taken from her when Sasuke left, and Naruto – who she thought would never leave her (_because you're so confident he'll stay with you forever as long as he loves you, but he moved on and you're all alone now. and you can only regret never telling him that you love him._)

"I love you, Naruto," she smiled.

"You love Sasuke," he rolled his eyes as he wiped away his tears.

(_he will never believe you, because sasuke was supposed to be with you. but where is sasuke now? he's with a girl who screams everything you're not, she's someone you can never be and you will live in her shadow as long as you're here because she reminds you of what you could not be, of dreams shattered and fantasies that were exactly that; fantasies._)

"Yeah," Sakura smiled.

"You can't leave, Sakura-chan," he insisted.

"It's okay. Everything is how it should be."

"Is it, though?" Naruto frowned and more tears threatened to fall. His brilliant blue eyes, and Sakura stared into them for a long time because she knew this would be the last time she'd ever see that beautiful shade, were filled with unfathomable sadness.

It killed Sakura, to have to do this to him, because she knew he will always consider her to be someone he loved dearly. But she could not bear the thought of bumping into him and Hinata on the streets, seeing them so happy and _together_ and her by his side (_that spot is no longer reserved for you, because you're too selfish and too slow and now you're going to have to live with this._)

"Yes."

Because when she closed her eyes, she could see a time when she could walk next to Naruto comfortably, when he loved her and she realized she loved him. He was the sun, _her _sun, and he was everything that kept her going. She knew that Team 7, most of the time, meant _Naruto _and _Sasuke_. Not _Naruto, Sasuke_ and _Sakura_.

So when she bid him goodbye she said once again that she loved him (_and you mean it, from the deepest part of your heart, you mean it_) but he only laughed and gave her a hug and she wanted to cry and didn't want to let go because (_NarutoNarutoNaruto_), but he let her go and it took everything in her to stop the tears from falling.

"I love you too, Sakura-chan," he smiled. "So you're not leaving anymore, right?"

"I'll stay," she gave his hands a squeeze and she was glad he couldn't tell when she lied because she had gotten so good at faking.

"That's _my _Sakura-chan," he grinned.

When she closed the door, and felt his warm chakra finally fade away, she screamed and cried and trashed because she thought she was done breaking.

(_It hurts, doesn't it?_)

The last time she saw Sasuke was the day she visited Kakashi in the Hokage tower to bid him goodbye (he promised he'd visit and she knew he will). She looked at Sasuke, smiled, and went to talk to Kakashi about things that didn't matter but she was leaving and they both wanted to make it seem like it was temporary.

(The exchange was temporary, but she was leaving for good.)

"After Tsunade-_sama_ retires _for real_," Sakura laughed at how annoyed her mentor was when she found out she wasn't allowed to retire outside of the village. "She said she'll come live with me, along with Shizune and TonTon."

"That's good, isn't it? Then at least you'll have some familiar presence to remind you of home," Kakashi smiled. "And don't forget I'll visit, too."

"Of course," she smiled and she gave him one last hug in his office and she could feel him cry on her shoulder, but when he straightened up there was no sign he had been crying.

"I'm proud of you, Sakura," he said. "Don't ever forget that."

"Thank you, Kakashi-_sensei_," she smiled. And she bowed to him and they both ignored the tears streaming down her face as she left the office because if they'd acknowledged it they knew she would change her mind.

But this was important to her, so they ignored it and she cried as she left and Kakashi dismissed Sasuke before he let this loss took control of his emotions.

As Sakura walked through the village, she thought of the events and the people who helped create who she was today. She was thankful, but they had found their ways and it was time for her to find hers too. So she visited the training ground, and she visited Ino who cried at the sight of her and Shikamaru, ever so observant, gave Sakura a pat on the back and "Have a safe travel".

She visited Lee and Tenten who were sparing. She thanked Lee for everything he did for her (_thank you for telling me I'm beautiful, thank you for loving me, thank you thank you thank you_) and wished she had known Tenten better.

She visited Neji's grave and prayed for him and silently asked him to please look after her boys and bring them happiness.

She visited Chouji, Kiba, Akamaru, and Shino, and said her goodbyes to them. They looked confused but she knew they'll find out with time.

She visited Tsunade and Shizune and they said "we'll see you in a year" and Sakura laughed because she already couldn't wait for it.

She visited Hinata, who showed concern that she was still leaving and was going to tell Naruto but Sakura said "he'll try to stop me, I have to do this, I hope you understand." And Hinata didn't understand but she gave Sakura a hug and cried for her sake and wished for her safe travel. Sakura smiled as she left the Hyuuga compound because she knew Naruto will be happy because Hinata was gentle and kind and they complement each other.

She visited Sai, who gave her a portrait painting, and he said "to be your friend and teammate has been a pleasure, Sakura." And it made her cry that he didn't call her Ugly. She promised him she will treasure the painting, and he smiled – and it surprised her to see him smile so sincerely and she was happy for him because she knew even Sai will be okay.

She found Sasuke, ironically, at the place where she tried to stop him from leaving so many years ago. He was waiting for her, she knew, because he stood up from the bench when he saw her.

"Don't leave," he said. And she laughed at the irony.

"Goodbye, Sasuke," she smiled, walking away from him.

"Sakura,"

"I loved you, Sasuke-_kun_."

Before he could react, she was already gone. And he was too much in shock (for she finally used the once familiar and intimate suffix again) to chase after her. As he left, he wondered how much the Dobe will cry when he found out. And how different Konoha will be without Haruno Sakura.

And he finally realized how significant Sakura's existence was, and on days (weeks, months) where they didn't see her, they were at peace because they knew she was at the hospital, busy saving lives and helping people better their lives.

But this was different. And in the future the hospital will lack a Sakura, and there will be an empty space between him and Naruto as they eat ramen at Ichiraku because that spot was where Sakura sat.

And for the first time, he thought of Sakura and wished her happiness:_ Because you deserve it._

/ **and this is the happy ending**

The next time Naruto and Sasuke saw Sakura, she was happy. And when the three of them finally sat at Ichiraku together again, with her filing the empty space, she told them:

"Life sucks, and all we can do is endure. But, if you endure long enough, it will eventually pay off."

"Are you happy now?"

When the both of them looked at her, she smiled. And it made them feel like crying because the Haruno Sakura from so many years ago was finally back:

"Yes."

* * *

><p><strong>an**

**well, the characters (especially sasuke, i think) are kind of ooc? and naruto dismissing sakura's feelings like that feels really ooc too, to me anyway. also, i really made sakura a victim here although i try to insert ideas where she realized it was partly her fault too? Idk.**

**and if you guys don't get it, cause it is vague, the very last part – when they see each other again, let's just say that's the afterlife. **

**i actually cried halfway into writing this cause for some reason it's so easy for me to write depressing shit. not sure i'm happy with how this turned out though, oh well. this is seriously the longest oneshot i've ever written. as of now, there are approx. 4,400 words like damn this was the word count for my final ib essay LOL.**

**reviews are appreciated,**

**DD.**


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